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I am now a 36 year old widow. Not sure how much things can change or how much they can change but let me tell you it can happen in the blink of an eye. The rug has been pulled from under me and I am struggling to pick myself and my kids up. I feel like sometimes, we have to be ready for when our plans and God's plans change what we think is going to happen. I am hopeful that our family's future includes Mark, my beloved husband, as much as we can.

Kids

Kids
Chris is 12! Brooklyn is 7! Preston is 6! and Kyler is 2!

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Why now?

I really feel like I don't know what to do with myself anymore.  If I didn't have kids it would be really easy to curl up into a ball and cry all day long, but I can't do that.  Things are going as well as they can I suppose.  I have had to make a lot of decisions and sometimes I wonder or wish rather that I knew which choice to make and what will happen.  BUT I do realize now more than ever that things do happen for a reason, and some we may not know.  But I do know that there is a plan and there is more than this here!  Our plans and lives have changed and sometimes we have to be ready for gods plans, they are not always the same as ours.  And there is no such thing as an unanswered prayer, sometimes the answer is no, or not right now.  And if you ask why you might not know that answer until it is our time.  I miss Mark, my heart aches, my nerves are shot, my kids fight and aggravate me, but we are doing it and making it work because life goes on.  The day Mark died I went to bed thinking how is it possible that the sun is going to come up tomorrow, how do we go on?  The answer is rely on the Lord and put our faith with him.  The fact that life goes on for us is  a bittersweet reminder.  I feel like 9 years married just wasn't enough.  I wanted more time, I wanted my kids to have their father here for their weddings and graduations.  I am sure he will be watching over us but somehow that is not always comforting.  I hope my rambling makes some sense I am just trying to work through this and hopefully come out in one piece.

2 comments:

Poetic Inspiration said...

I pray for your inner peace. You are strong. You are loved.

char_char said...

You are loved and I hope that time will heal all of your hearts.

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